A NEW dichotomy!

WHOA, HO, Faithless Non-Readers! You think I gave this UP?!?! FUCK no! I've just been apathetic and uninterested AND VERY time-constrained (well, as far as MY world goes), so "blogging to the absent masses" has fallen by the wayside. BUT, Saturday, October 24, Two Thousand Nine, put a new SHINY wrench into my works (btw, THIS is why, even though it's on the WAY downside, I will NEVER off myself --- 'cuz ya' just NEVER know what's gonna happen next, so why PURPOSELY miss it? In my book, ANY new experience is a GOOD experience! Even if it tears your fucking HEART out! WOOHOO!) Anyway, here's the thing:

I "followed" the Love Of My Life (LOML, for those who just have NOT kept up!) to her Hometown of Roscoe, IL .. yes, against ALL better instincts --- but, HEY .. LOVE will FIND A WAY, right? (btw, NO!). For those less knowledgeable (or, better stated, less give-a-SHIT-able!), Roscoe is a VERY small Burg just north of a Wannabe Burg named Rockford, itself just well less than 2 hours East of Chicago. ONE of its Claims To Fame is that it is the birthplace/growing-up place of the Internationally Known and Revered (OH -- just THAT close to being inducted into the R'n'R Hall Of Fame!!!) band, Cheap Trick. Oh, YES, --- ALL the members of Cheap Trick went to the same or near schools that the LOML went to! In FACT, the LOML's "childhood Home" was SOLD to Cheap Trick Guitarist Rick Neilsen! But, blah-blah .. ya' wanna know a Cheap Trick history, go to Wiki! Here's MY boggle!

While living (and dying) in The Greater Rockford Area, I "met" Robin Zander's BEAUTIFUL and I mean, BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED Daughter, Holland. I casually happened to be in the same ROOM with Rick Neilsen from time to time, since he lived in Rockford and would just happen to come out to the same clubs I happened to in-frequent. I played BRIEFLY in a band who, on the side and before I joined, did an EXCELLENT "Endorsed By Cheap Trick" Cheap Trick tribute band ... blah blah.

I have unsuccessfully applied to a NUMBER of part-time job offerings over the past few months. I AM the proverbial "Broke-Ass Musician." Since I am a "Legacy" (having worked there 2 previous Seasons, much to their Delight) at my Local Toys 'R' Us, I again joined their workforce just yesterday. And ON that FIRST Refresher Day, who should come to my register BUT The Great Robin Zander and his Wife?!?!?!?!!!!!!! LOWEST DAY OF MY PROFESSIONAL LIFE --- I have "met" Robin in passing in the past, I have conversed with his Daughter about songs she wrote concerning her emotional tumult re: being the offspring of an International Always-AWAY Rock Star -- the first time I have to "casually chat" with this Rock icon, I am servicing him as a cashier at Toys 'R' Us!! I have to SAY, "I'm a Musician -- I know your Daughter --- love her stuff!" .... slither, slither, slither, grovel, grovel, grovel, supplicate, supplicate, supplicate. I AM WORM POOP, though a VERY Talented Musician for over 20 YEARS, Motherfucker!!!! THEN, the "curve ball"!!!! Was it commiseration ... was it, "yeah, nice to hear you know my Dear Daughter, but here's REAL problems"?!?!? Now, Robin Zander was VERY polite and seemingly down-to-earth, ESPECIALLY for a Rock GOD! What did he throw out after us discussing how "times are hard for musicians," my only reference point the fact that I'm having to ring up his wife's toy sales because the BAND business isn't paying the bills? With a breath and a pregnant pause (just for REFERENCE sake --- I don't really put any diabolical inference to it) he says, "Yeah --- our tour with Def Leppard just got cancelled ... TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" YES, Non-Reading Mother FUCKERS ..... "TOO"!!!!!!!!!

WOW!

Ciao!

DISAPPOINTMENT ... and other realities.

Hello, Non-Readers! I'm SURE you have been wondering just WHERE the fuck I have been these past few weeks, haven't you? Oh, YES, as much as I've been wondering if Universal Health Care is JUST around the corner --- read: NOT!

Okay, so here's tonight's rant and rave and, HEY, wouldn't you like some CHEESE with that WHINE? BITCH! Oh, where to start!? Well, let's talk about OTHER peoples' problems first, 'k?

My Dear Little Sis is going through MAJOR upset and tragedy, and I REALLY wish I could be there to help her out. But I can't, and I won't be .. which sucks and tears my heart out, but that is just part of the Life On Your Own Life, right? Right. Anyway, here's a BRIEF synopsis --- she had to deal with and DID deal with and SURVIVED a Breast Cancer Scare last Fall --- YAYYY!!! COULD NOT be HAPPIER, especially since genetically, she really didn't stand a chance. But, HEY, DURING all that, her partner/hubby of 25+ years decided to deal with her fear and angst and anger and worry and emotional turmoil by fucking a silicone-enhanced psycho bitch from hell (which, I know, is actually being redundant! NOT one to stereotype in ANY way by nature, EXPERIENCE has shown me silicone and head problems go hand-in-hand ... sorry, that's just the way it IS, guys! BE WARY!!!). Well, HELL, My Little Sis found out early in '09, he fessed up, he did "all the right things," promised to cut it off, apologized, even told the KIDS about it, and begged for forgiveness --- and they were "working it out." Well, SHOCKER, come to find out a week or so ago, she contacted him via email or whatever, and even though she hasn't been sucking his cock lately (and, hey guys, isn't that REALLY all it takes? A good, "closing" blow-job? How SAD is that?), they HAVE been carrying on a covert writing/calling campaign. Well, Sis found out again, and she kicked him out. GOOD FOR HER/what a DUMBASS HE was to think that was OK -- but, not so uncommon. I'm a guy, so I KNOW guys SUCK, although I have lost The Love Of My Life because she did the same thing on the other side --- SHE was the cock-sucker! ANYWAY --- moving on! My heart bleeds and cries for my Little Sister, whom I would throw my fat ass in front of a TRAIN if it meant she could live another day.

MY end. I am in band which normally involves three people cranking out the tunes and rocking the house. When we're rockin', we ROCK THE HOUSE!!! PROBLEM is, the band is mostly booked by the chick singer who has WAY overly-developed delusions of grandeur (to be fair, that depends on what day you catch her on), who has always wanted to be a Country Music Star, and has about as much chance of doing so as Britney Spears has a chance to win Mother Of The Year (in other words, not LIKELY --- but FAR from realistic!). A few days ago, she "asks" me to remove pictures from a MySpace site, which I maintain for the BAND (read: a band that has been around since 1986, and has MANY fans from "the old days"), as opposed to HER MySpace/dot-com site that is ALL about HER, oh, and a MENTION of the band that ALLOWS her to sing for a living, since (NOT trying to be mean, really) the BEST she could do WITHOUT us is to what she did BEFORE us --- make a few bucks here and there singing to Karaoke tracks! I say no, she says, Oh yes you WILL!, I explain WHY I said no, she says, oh yes you WILL, because I SAID SO, I say fuck off, etc., etc., etc. In other words, petty, but a matter of pride. This is a LONG going problem -- she, being a Princess, raised to believe the World OWES her, believes that age-old idea, "You work for me, therefore you must RESPECT me, and DO WHAT I SAY, no matter what;" myself being raised with the thought, "you work for me, do what I say ON THE JOB, but to get your respect, I know I must EARN it." Nothing new under the sun, that VERY old concept of, "respect is EARNED," but this wench is too self-involved and indoctrinated by her condescending Daddy to understand that.

BOTTOM LINE: The "core" of my band ismeeting Monday night to hash this out. There will be (for ME, whether I outwardly acknowledge it or NOT) one of two outcomes --- The Bitch will agree, she is SADLY lacking and needs to EARN respect and stop treating me like her BITCH; OR (the MOST likely), The Bitch will hold to her thought that I should NEVER question her orders, that SHE is the LEADER of the band (and don't even get me STARTED about how far she fails in THAT respect!!) and I am but a lowly SUBORDINATE --- AND ....

I'll pack my bags, get ready to go ... I love my BEST FRIEND, RON, but I can't take no more. I really hate to think that I MUST go!! So, hug me, and cry for me --- tell me that you tried for me ... I'll believe that, but I'll let you go. I'm leavin' on a jet plane, don't know if I'll be back again ....

Ciao

I'll never BLOG again....!

Until someone leaves a comment. On ANY of my posts. Yeah, I do this to vent ... but if NOONE is looking, fuck it!

DON'T INSULT ME!!!

I'm basically just posting a post I was GONNA elsewhere in response to a former co-worker and supposed "friend" and, at LEAST, "partner in crime" in this Bullshit Cutthroat business of Music we are BOTH involved in and STRUGGLING with ... BUT ... the motherfucker pissed me off, dissing my Life's Work for NO other reason than to promote HIS sad-ass, TRULY useless, unprofessional, SLIGHTLY, at BEST, talented band! BUT, rather than be like whom I'm blasting here, I'm ONLY posting it here, my blog that's never read!! And, here it is:

And here I swear: I shall NEVER disparage ANY band that "stole my gig," because (in a twist on those those ridiculous Love sayings), if I was doing MY job, you COULDN'T "steal it." I shall NEVER feel I am being "oppressed" by "The Man" (read: Club Owners) because my percs were cut, or my pay was cut -- because HE has a BUSINESS to run, just as I do. Is it ALL my fault folks don't come out EVERY week to see my band? NO --- BUT, if I do NOTHING to PROMOTE my band, I will NOT get shitty about a club owner who busts my ass about low attendance! I shall NEVER bitch about ANY band, especially during these Obamanation Days of Financial Despair, doing WHATEVER, negotiating WHATEVER to GET THAT REGULAR GIG we ALL drool over. BUT, BITCH!!!!!!.... If you DO "steal my gig," for WHATEVER reason, all I ask is what I would do for you: In your promos, PLEASE, ESPECIALLY since we have thrown you Benjamin after Benjamin BEFORE you (or, if you want to stay "benign," one of your "representatives" ... blah, blah, blah semantics!) threw the right bug in the right person's ear at the right time (the SECRET to "success"!!!), with NO more expectations other than showing UP, QUIETLY enduring your lack of interest in OUR project, lack of work to LEARN our material even on a SIMPLE level, lack of real appreciation of the fact that you were basically garnering "Local Musician's Scale" of $100 for REALLY just being, by YOUR level of involvement, a "Chair Filler, a la, The Oscars," ESPECIALLY if you treated us as friends and equals --- BUILD YOUR BAND UP, withOUT cutting OURS DOWN, FUCKER! FUCK YOU if you post ANYWHERE, do ANY promo that states, emphasizes, or even IMPLIES that before YOU got the gig, WE (who BROUGHT YOU IN and paid you GOOD money) SUCKED SO hard that YOUR New Presence is gonna make their world BETTER!! SHOUT out, "WE'RE HERE!!!!" SHOUT OUT, "WE'RE FUCKING AWESOME!!!" SHOUT OUT, "WE'RE GONNA MAKE YOU PARTY YOUR ASS OFF!" SHOUT OUT, "WE ROCKED This joint and That joint," but, REALLY --- do you have to PISS ON US, saying that BEFORE you got this gig, the night you now have was BAD, SAD, and UNBEARABLE?!?!?! PLEASE, Dude! Do NOT compel me to go on and on here and there and EVERYWHERE, just as YOU have SO publicly, about just how hard YOUR band sucks (and, it DOES ... BUT .... just as YOU have so indiscriminately done of late, implying MY band sucks -- I could post a NUMBER of comments, with DETAILS, that would cause folks to stay away in DROVES from ALL your gigs! BUT ... I won't, you ridiculous self-involved over-stuffed half-assed so-called musician). It IS just business --- do NOT force me to make it a WAR, which you will SADLY lose to the detriment of your calling and your family's needs! I have NOTHING to lose --- you DO! ADJUST your POSTS, dammit --- not because we're on the receiving end of a hole in our calendar (because, I ASSURE you, we shall rise above this "loss" ... will YOU? Your ENTIRE personnel list is tenuous -- not so much MINE!), but because it is THE RIGHT THING TO DO!!!

Ciao!

OMG! A HAT TRICK for Mr. Death!!

Good Evening/Morning, Faithful Non-Readers of my Stealth Blog! Home again from a Gig, high on the sense of accomplishment, frivolity, socializing and, most recently, the Juice Of The Sacred Agave Cactus!!:)

WHAT A FUCKING DAY!!!! Personally AND Globally! THREE, count 'em, THREE LARGE, culturally, HISTORICALLY Everlasting Public Figures succumbed to that Never-Ending Sleep today! AND, this EASILY trumps the most recent occurrence I can think of, the DUAL passing of (pretty much, in my opinion, FAR overblown, or at the least, VERY suspect in CHARACTER, but weighted by the fact that, to me, even strongly indicated SUPPOSITION of crimes against CHILDREN FAR outweighs any suspect actions towards those who have come of legal age .. not that I do not PITY the latter ... but I FUME at the taking advantage of the FORMER!!!) M. Jackson and Ms. Fawcett.

For August 26, 2009 -- SECOND RUNNER-UP in the Death Follies: Dominick Dunne at age 83(who, I SO sadly found out tonight is SO "obscure" in the public's mind!! STUNNED, would be a better word! I don't see myself as a "star-fucker," knowing the details of myriad luminaries' lives simply out of voyeurism --- but, I guess SO, to an extent --- NOBODY I talked to about it tonight even knew who D.D WAS!!!?!?! Let alone his personal tragedies and tribulations and "crusades" -- THAT made me almost as sad as his passing!). The BRILLIANT author of numerous novels, a highly regarded journalist, the Father of Griffin Dunne, the brilliant actor and director; MOST affectedly the Father of the murdered, fledgling Actress, Dominique Dunne, of (VERY sadly, ONLY Major Movie role!) "Poltergeist" fame, her life stifled at the tender age of 22 by her twisted boyfriend, J.T. Sweeney, the long-term violent asshole who STRANGLED HER TO DEATH because Dominique would not agree to reconcile with him after a lengthy term of abuse. He, due to defense attorney wrangling, got convicted ONLY of manslaughter in GREAT part because his history of violence was excluded from the murder trial --- AND he was sentenced to a LOWLY 6.5 years, of which he only served 4!!!! Long story sort, this sent her Father, Dominick, on a path of writings and Civil Involvement that included his VERY visible presence at the O.J. Simpson Trial/CIRCUS, acting as a "reporter," but actually making himself a VERY visible advocate of Parents STRONGLY Opposed to Men Who Abuse Their PARTNERS!

FIRST RUNNER-UP: Ellie Greenwich, the co-author with the now-NOTORIOUS genius, Phil Spector, and ex-hubby Jeff Barry of such GREAT, LASTING songs as "Chapel Of Love," "Be My Baby," "Leader Of The Pack," "Da Do Ron Ron," "River Deep, Mountain High," and so on and so on; at the YOUNG age of 68. Why do I place this Lady a step above D. Dunne in my "pantheon of Important Passings?" In the world of "REAL, EMOTIONAL, HUMAN" affect -- D.D.'s story is tragic and intense and anything BUT "fluff;" but, let's face it --- folks will be listening to Ms. Greenwich's artistry LONG after the last human has forgotten D.Dunne, don't you agree?

And, the CROWN goes to the UNDISPUTED Champ of "WOW! That's sad --- and, omg, look at his life and what's he's ACCOMPLISHED in it!!!" Senator Edward Moore "Ted" Kennedy!!!! Kennedy played a major role in passing many laws that affect the lives of all Americans, including the Immigration and Nationality Act of 1965, the National Cancer Act of 1971, the Comprehensive Anti-Apartheid Act of 1986, the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990, the Ryan White AIDS Care Act in 1990, the Civil Rights Act of 1991, the Mental Health Parity Act in 1996 and 2008, the State Children's Health Insurance Program in 1997, the No Child Left Behind Act in 2002, and the Edward M. Kennedy Serve America Act in 2009. (Source: Wikipedia). And that's just the TIP of the iceburg of events he has had to suffer through, endure, rise above, etc. his ENTIRE life (simply --- just imagine carrying on in a HUGE way ... after two of YOUR siblings were BRUTALLY murdered!!!

The "personal" stuff? Believe it or not, I think I'll put that aside until later --- these "PUBLIC Tragedies" truly take precedent.
Ciao.

"Honesty ... is hardly ever heard...."

"and mostly what I need from you." A GREAT lyric from The Great Bill Joel ... and SUCH BULLSHIT!!!! (Not on HIS part --- I'm sure he was sincere at the time)

Let's change an American catchphrase tonight from, "blah, blah, blah" to "blog, blog, blog," 'k? How MANY frickin' blogs are out there today; how many are not even READ (like THIS one -- LOL!)? But, those that ARE, and are FOLLOWED --- WHY do you posters get so BENT or HURT or TWISTED when someone posts some comment that is REALLY HONEST, in response to what YOU posted? Isn't openness and honesty the POINT of this venue? Well, of COURSE not --- we're STILL all insecure HUMANS (and, to be TOTALLY honest, part of the JOY I get out of this unread blog is the fact that my ACTUAL name is not ON it --- even though, if ANYONE I know even SOCIALLY would read it, they'd KNOW it was me!! LOL!)! The reason I love THIS blog is because I KNOW no one is READING it -- I can be TOTALLY, UNABASHEDLY honest, with NO repercussions! As opposed to making some (in MY mind, anyway) relatively benign comment on someone ELSE'S blog, in fact, a comment meant to be HELPFUL -- and having to read post after post ranging from, "oh, I hope I'm not doing that -- I feel so bad --- you MUST have misunderstood" to "who the fuck are YOU?!?! How could you SAY such a thing?!?!?"

So, rant over (and, truly, it's just because I was trying to give a friend some business advice that has YEARS of SUCCESS to back up its methods, I mentioned a tactic to her), let's get REAL! NO ONE, TRULY, wants an HONEST OPINION about ANYTHING!!! We're just not MADE that way anymore! We're the product of INTENSE media manipulation that has told us hour after hour, day after day, month after month, year after year, our ENTIRE Lifetime, "You are just FINE!!! Your are GREAT!!!! Though, it wouldn't HURT if you bought THIS from US to make you everything you have ever WANTED to BE ... and to make you EVERYTHING you've ever ENVIED in OTHERS!!! 'Cause, NO, you ARE beautiful --- but you'd be HAPPIER ... and maybe even MORE Beautiful, if you did THIS!!!! TRUST US!!! REALLY!!! THIS Famous Head says so ... and THAT Famous Artists says so ... so it MUST be true!!! Wouldn't you really RATHER have a BUICK!?!?!?!" It all boils down to that cliche (but ALWAYS occurring, nonetheless!!!) question we insecure swingin' dicks get: Does my butt look big in these pants?!?! Like, if you told the TRUTH, it'd be OK?!?!?!? ROFLMAO!!!

Ciao, Babies!

OH, WHAT A NIGHT!!!

Hello, Good Non-Readers!!! "Another Saturday Night and I ain't got no money. I got some money, 'cuz I JUST GOT PAID!!!!" Well, HELL -- the Project From Hell, the BANE of my existence for SO many weeks, is DONE (for the moment --- MAYBE!), and (oh, do NOT even tell me she is SO stupid/crafty to not KNOW better!) JUST before we went on stage, she paid us all --- 2X what we get for a FOUR HOUR night, for playing for ONE HOUR!!!! (But, to be real, it would have been even MORE off-the-fucking-CHARTS if, after doling out the cash, she HADN'T said, "Oh, yeah, THANK YOU, Boss" in that shitty tone she uses SO well that says, "Look at ME --- I'm the BOMB!!! Look what I did for YOU!!!" rather than just hand us the Wad and keep her frickin' mouth SHUT!). ANYWAY ....

Here I sit, blogging and tossing The Toy for My Dearest Friend/Pet, WAY hyped up and drunk off my ass and HAPPY, HAPPY, JOY, JOY!! Because, even though I would give our performance tonight a C+ at best (because I am SUCH a self-critical BITCH --- as IMPARTIALLY as I can be at RARE times, I would give us a B+, MAINLY based upon Audience Reaction --- which matters a LOT more than MY pissy opinion on ANY given day!!), what a FUN TIME I had performing tonight!!!

OMG --- SOOOO much I could go on and on and on and on and on and on about at this time -- BUT, My Precious would rather I throw the Toy, NOBODY will EVER read this but ME, so --- I SHALL toss the Toy, 'cuz I'm ENERGIZED WAY beyond my years;)! Ciao!

Our GREATEST Fears!

Hello, Non-Readers! Here I go with more words for the absent masses:)!

Another of the "wonderful" things about getting older --- year by year, decade by decade, one's values and "benchmarks" change (well, at least they SHOULD -- sorry for being pompous/bitchy, but if your views about life, the universe and everything do NOT change as you pass through your life, then you're just not paying attention!). Now there are a LOT of subjects along that line I COULD go on an on and on about, but for tonight I'm just focusing on FEAR.

When I was but a wee lad, WAY back in the mid-1960's, I was afraid of the dark; and, like most children, for no particular reason. Not to the extent of having to have a light on in my room all night, but if I had a bad dream and woke up to darkness, or if I simply naturally woke up before dawn, I was "petrified." I CLEARLY remember, some 40+ years ago and rather often for YEARS, waking up just a few hours before dawn for whatever reason, scared out of my wits but "not being a baby" (read: waited it out rather than running to my parent's room! Hell, one of the few times I did that, I caught my parents in flagrante delicto, bless their hearts:) -- but I learned not to do THAT again ---LOL!!:)!!)), knowing I had an available constant --- I lived in a suburb of Chicago at the time, evidently in a flightpath at the time, so I knew that as soon as I heard a jet pass overhead on its way to a landing at O'Hare Airport, everything would be just FINE! And sure enough, VERY soon after I heard that first Jetliner, I was fast asleep. Then ...

I've been afraid of heights, I've been afraid of whupins from my Dad (and, DAMMIT, spare me the psycho-babble bullshit -- my Dad whipped my ass for a NUMBER of reasons in my youth, and 99.9% of the time, I DEARLY deserved it --- he wasn't "CRUEL," he didn't "scar me for life"), I've been afraid of ridicule for being fat (file more so under "Insecurity" rather than "Fear"), I've been afraid of my basement, I've been afraid of rejection, I've been afraid of failing at whatever endeavor, I've been afraid of my Dad's reaction to a bad report card, etc., etc., and so on. All, really, LITTLE fears that at any given time in my development I've faced and overcome, overall, with little effort. I have NEVER truly feared death --- say it's because I found myself to be an Atheist at the age of 12 (maybe not that clearly DEFINED then, but known just the same) and, let's face it --- no belief in "Afterlife Retribution," no REAL fear of death! Again, all "MINOR" (read: non-DEBILITATING!!!) Fears. BUT, the things I've TRULY feared all my life have been "control issue" fears; e.g., things that could very well happen to me (and I DO mean that in the MOST intransitive sense!) and I could NOT get out of under my own steam (or, to be honest, at least as I THOUGHT).

Here we go with the "A" fear from LONG ago, that has developed into the FINER "A, V2.0" of the present day. The "A" fear was Incarceration For A Crime I Did Not Commit!!! Fine edge (worst-case scenario, of COURSE, since we're talking about FEARS here!), being arrested for a MURDER I did not commit (even FINER edge, a la "The Fugitive," being CONVICTED of said crime!!!). Now, that's bad enough -- BUT, even after convicted, there's a LONG drawn-out legal process in place that could VERY well keep me incarcerated but ALIVE for decades. (Side-bar: One of the few things I have RAILED against along these lines --- once upon a time, a few years back, living in a small, narrow-minded Northern Midwest Burg, some ASSHOLE got it in his head it would be a GREAT idea to build up a DNA database, so let's allow EVERY Cop --- and, don't get me wrong --- overall, I have a GREAT respect for those who choose to Protect and Serve --- to take a DNA sample from ANYONE, as long as they have been approached/pulled for a "legitimate reason." In other words, I have a burned out taillight, I get pulled, Officer Fife can run a swab in my mouth. Now, superficially, that sounds OK --- BUT, Cops are people, TOO!!! They make MISTAKES!!!! If I am to give a DNA sample, I want an EXPERT in the collection of DNA to TAKE that sample!!! I don't want some distracted Barney swabbing my mouth and labelling it WRONG, just to put MY name on his NEXT traffic violator who just MAY be the newest Hannibal Lecter --- get my drift?). Anyway, what has become, in my 50th year of life, "A(fear), V2.0"? Being COMMITTED to a psychiatric facility by force!!!

OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!! Now, granted, most of the books I've read of late, most of the movies I've seen of late, that DEAL with such a thing happened Pre-1950, which in terms of psychological "acumen" are PREHISTORIC to today's "enlightened" level of "understanding"; STILL!! Bad enough, sitting in an interrogation room with a couple Detectives grilling you about something you KNOW you didn't do --- in the END, all you have to say is, "LAWYER," and they're DONE! BUT, if you're COMMITTED!!!! There is really NOTHING you could say that could not be EASILY twisted into a case for insanity -- even the MOST sane thing you OFFER!!! Now THAT'S fucking SCARY!! The ULTIMATE loss of control of your destiny! Think of the most INTENSE discussion/argument you have EVER had with a friend or colleague, even KNOWING that their mind was made up --- in the end, y'all could just simply agree to disagree, go out and have a beer, and be friends tomorrow. Now take that SAME argument/discussion and replace your Friend with the Head of the Asylum you've been committed to ... and all HE has to say, when he gets perturbed by your opinions, is say, "You're obviously disturbed ... we're going to inject you with this ... take 'em back to their padded cell"!!!!!!!!

MY GREATEST FEAR!!! Ciao!

Go ahead -- say it ONE more FRICKIN' TIME!!!

I'm sure pretty much everyone continuously uses and/or continuously hears a phrase that on one day reflects your attitude, brings you peace ... and on another day just makes you want to THROTTLE the SUMBITCH who's saying it, even if it is yourself doing the talking. Mine? "IT IS WHAT IT IS!" Not anything unique by any means, but the mantra for those of us continually involving ourselves in situations that repeatedly annoy us, yet which we cling to for dear life. Such it is with my band. It is used in reference 99% of the time to one particular member. From last night through this moment, that obnoxious phrase has been roiling through my head as, yet again, the "needs" (read: WANTS) of the one outweighed the needs of the many ... and I am ready to strangle someone, if not myself, soon! OMG, just WHAT am I rattling on about? Well, just in CASE someone reads this (NOT likely!), I'll be vague --- you know, "the names have been changed to protect the...."

SHIT HAPPENS! I am OK with that phrase. SHOW BUSINESS is a BUSINESS! Given? OK. So, back in the "real world," I can not recall in my EXTENSIVE exposure to said experiences, usually involving being a minion in the rank and file of someone or someone'S viable business -- print shop here, pharmaceutical company this way, casino there, toy store WAY over THERE! -- at ANY point the "Boss; co-Boss; Owner, Co-Owner; whatever title" saying, "Hey, I want to get my diddle on just because, and it will overlap to a day you would NORMALLY work, but I won't be there, and I have the ONLY keys to the front door ... SO, no work that day, OK?" ADDING, "Oh, and, by the way, since the doors will be locked, YOU don't get paid, OK?" Now add THIS -- "I TRIED to get the customers to accept a sub-standard product which would ALLOW you to work, but they wouldn't go for it ... SORRY!" FUCK YOU!!!! We ALL need to get away at times --- if you're IN CHARGE, you make the effort to get away ... BUT, when it looks like it won't work out without sucking money out of those who make your business VIABLE, you say, "SHIT! Oh well, maybe later ... dammit, I REALLY wanted to go ... but folks DEPEND on ME for their livelihood --- and, as much as I WANT it to be -- it's NOT all about me ...DAMMIT!!!" and you DO NOT get your diddle on, BITCH!!! Really --- am I out of LINE here?!?!? I don't THINK so!!!! Ciao!

SAFE!!! STILL no-one is reading my thoughts -- WHEW!!:)

Oh my FUGGIN GAWD, my forearm HURTS!!!!!!!!!! No, Dear Non-Readers, NOT from jacking off (though, I must admit, it probably SHOULD have that reason!) -- NO, Methinks in ALL sincerity, from The Love Of My World, PERFORMING!!! I KNOW you don't care, but here it is --- I have for years banged upon a fully-weighted 88-key 'board .. while THAT was in the shop, I took to playing a 'board with the same "guts," but physically I would have to liken it to the CHEAPEST 'board you could buy at K-Mart! Now, the IDEA was to have to use it for a few weeks ... a "few weeks" turned into THREE FUCKING MONTHS!!! SO .. as ELATED as I am to have my "real" 'board back, the PHYSICAL difference finally caught up with me tonight --- and I can barely hold a fifth of Cuervo in my right hand (my BANG IT FUCKING OUT!!!!! hand) without cringing!! As if I don't have ENOUGH pains to deal with!

Speaking of which, OMFG, last night! I have NO clue why, but I spent the better part of the Wee Hours writhing on the floor, YELLING out that I was NOT ready to DIE!!!! In other words, I had NO more than "usual" the number of shots @ the bar ... wasn't even REMOTELY drunk as I drove home ... downed a SMALL amount of Cuervo (for ME) when I DID get home, did NOT consume some large nor nasty amount of foodage on top of it -- BUT, before the crack of 2:30AM --- WAY early for me --- I was trying to find SOME way for the heart-hurt to stop HURTING, my pulse RACING, the chest pains INCREDIBLE, NO lying/sitting/standing position comfortable at the LEAST!!!! Thank GOODNESS for my puppy, because he kept coming up to me on the floor and giving me succor! If not for him, who knows? BUT, here I am, "I'M STILL STANDING!!!!!!" Well, sitting and not falling off the chair, so that's close enough! AND, as I am SO often wont to do --- I have "repeated the experiment" this night ... and I am just HAPPILY FUBAR:)!!!!!!!!

Does that make me a bad drunk/person? LOL! Ciao!

That "Peter Pan Complex" Thingy!

Yo, yo, yo, non-readers of my blog! Time for me to have another masturbatory fling at the old PC keyboard, spouting ideas and ideals and visions and versions that NO ONE is EVER likely to read! But, ain't getting it OUT just GRAND?!?

I'm just past 50. I'm thinking that when my DAD hit 50, he FELT like he was 50! He was DEFINITELY living the LIFE of someone who was 50 -- his wife of 20+ years told him to fuck off, he got remarried, he was a High Level Executive in a High Level Blue Chip Corporation, WISHING he could find a way to retire REAL early, he had a GREAT portfolio, he took GREAT vacations, he owned GREAT Real Estate, he owned Great American Dream Stuff, he was STILL having Real World Arguments with his ALL of Legal Age Kids as if they were still JUST Kids. In fact, were it not for a VERY vitriolic comment made to me BY him, just BEFORE he turned 50, regarding my "passion," I would still be in my "home state" unhappily married, unhappily working 9-5, and, YES, (non-)Peoples, LIVING IN A TRAILER (we CALL them "mobile homes" just to get through the day). But, NOOOOOOO, here I am, the same age as my LIVING THE 50's LIFE Dad was doing 23 years ago ... and I STILL cannot, DO not feel like I EVER left HIGH SCHOOL!!! God, I LOVE being a musician;) LOL!

Now, to clear some stuff up that none of YOU care about, but which I do: The "VERY vitriolic comment" my Dad made WAY back when, I will NEVER stop thanking him for saying! In short, I was working a dead-end but well-paid 9-5 job for a HUGE company and in a band that, seriously, "practiced" 5 nights a week for MONTHS, and NEVER played a gig!! Of course, I was PASSIONATE about it, and the rest of the guys were PASSIONATE about it -- but, it's main attraction was the fact that we got to play at the end of the work day after smoking HUGE amounts of weed, in the basement of the guitar player's house with NO fear of being asked to turn it down, except by his wife when it was past his daughter's bedtime, which just meant we turned off our gear and smoked MORE weed before getting in the car and driving home. But, OH, did we have PLANS, and GREAT ORIGINAL SONGS that were going to TAKE US PLACES!!! Yeah, right, our ages ranging from mid-20's to mid-30's --- NOT exactly what record execs are looking for! The "COMMENT"? Dad and I were having yet another argument about my ridiculously low sense of responsibility (some things NEVER change --- LOL!), I was arduously defending my band, and he said (and I need to make a plaque and hang it over my door, it SO affected my life!), "No, son, it's just a fucking hobby! If it's THAT important to you to play in a band, then DO something with it!!!" Now, that's paraphrasing, because I will never try to make ANYbody believe my memory is THAT good; BUT, that IS the gist of the statement. "Old School:" Shit or get off the pot, Bitch! The MAIN word is "HOBBY"!!!!!!! That characterization cut me to the quick AND made me act! In fact, my EX-wife used that same word after an impassioned discussion about my wanting to play again, and was a DEFINITE "deal-breaker;" we NEVER saw eye-to-eye about my needs or my music afterwards (and, she developed her "side-guy" even further after that ... but that's another sordid story). Within a few months, I chucked it ALL, left home and joined a road band in March, 1986, a band I STILL am with this very day!

LOVE YOU, DAD! (And my Mom, too ... but tonight is not HER time in my blog;)!). I have a HUGE love/hate relationship with my Peter Pan Complex --- but, at least I ain't molesting children, right?;) Ciao!

WHAT A WEEK I'M HAVING!!!;)

OK, fuck the "Post #whatever" thing --- it won't draw a search, it's boring, and (most importantly) I will NOT be able to keep up! SO, I will NOW title my posts with something "provocative";)! SO, along with the title of THIS post --- OMFG, what a WEEK I'm having!

I know noone's actually READING this, but I shall write as if folks WERE, 'K? Now, you get I'm a musician? You get that is what I consider my "LIFE'S WORK"? If not, go to the next blog about this gossip or that nice picture --- if SO, bear with me ... because, WHAT A WEEK I'M HAVING!!! ROFL!!!;)

SUNDAY (8/2), I did a duo thing with my BESTEST friend (I "should" use that Internet thang, "BFF," meaning NOW "Best Friend Forever" -- but I am from the "archives" when "BFF" meant "Best Female Friend," so I have issues about using it here;)!) in the heat of a Florida afternoon --- and I LOVED it, we ROCKED ... moving on ....

MONDAY (8/3) my "trio/band" got a call to do an "emergency fill-in gig" for a group whose member had an accident that made them unable to perform. SWEET!!! (Do NOT call me a mercenary! -- He was HURT, but he's OK!) $100 on a night I NORMALLY make $0!!! BUT, add to that, we normally play the NEXT night (read: NO TEAR DOWN AFTER!!! WOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOOOOOOOOOOO rare these days!) Beyond THAT, I FINALLY got to put into play my FAVE keyboard I have been doing without for the last 3 months!!! I was ROCKIN!!!!!!!!!!!! And LOVING the gig (even though my cohorts were playing "schoolyard games" that annoyed the FUCK out of me!)!

TUESDAY (8/4) -- more of the same (re: the excitement I was feeling getting my TRUE 'board back, but also, no childish "in-fighting" ... well, at least until the BAR TAB came up, which is ALWAYS [sadly!] an issue!). BUT, it was put in MY hands, and I dealt with it with no lessening of my performance-related HIGH!!!!!!!

WEDNESDAY (8/5) --- standard "once-a-week 'house-gig'" --- "let's dress up for our 'side-project' and ROCK THE HOUSE!!!!!" And we DID --- and I felt EVERY song (perhaps it was about being in costume -- but, hey, either/or -- let's just GO with it !!) to my bones/soul (and probably a few MUSCLES that haven't been taxed for QUITE a while;) ... LOL!).

GOOD FUGGIN' GAWD --- I LOVE Performing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ciao!

Post Five, Aug. 2, 2009

WOOHOO!!! I'm back in the saddle again! It's good to have friends in low places; like the guy who runs the liquor store you know well enough that when you try the door to find it locked at 12:01 AM he says, letting another customer out as you walk back to your car, "No, you come in ... be quick, though ... is already past late!" (He and his co-owner Wife are Polish, and wonderful folks. Is it sad some of my closest acquaintances sell me Tequila?... OFTEN?!?!;) Well, at least they don't know me by NAME, right?). But, beyond all that, as I am JUST as likely to get bitchy when I'm buzzed, tonight I'll break form and write in an "Uplifting Tone," 'K?

Just home from a gig --- and even if it SUCKS, even if it ended with a row with one of my compatriots (as often happens), it's ALWAYS a better night than if the highlight of the evening was finding a movie to watch I appreciate as I was surfing cable melting into my POS couch and eating yet another sleeve of CVS-brand "Pringles." "WHY?!?!" all you non-musician types (or, even, "hobbyist" musicians) may ask? Because it is, and SHOULD be, ALWAYS, nut-busting fun doing that which you love to do, that you have spent your life TRYING to get better at day after day, gig after gig (well, if you HAVE been doing that --- as you SHOULD, if you're REALLY into your craft!). And, oh yeah, BONUS -- I will even get PAID for it!!! WOOHOO!!! How cool is THAT?!?!? I am PUMPED and will just NOT let myself go the other route and find something to bitch/whine/moan about tonight.

I have a GREAT puppy --- and he wants me to THROW THE TOY, goddammit, because you have left me ALONE for 8 fucking HOURS, and I LOVE fetching the TOY, and you OWE me for leaving me ALONE, you BITCH!!!!!!!! And, in my adrenaline-rushing-post-gig-buzzing HIGH, that's what I'm gonna do tonight!!

BUT .. to be more "me," I will put this out there. I drink A LOT. I have MANY health issues (hey, I'm frickin' OLD ... and, well, I haven't taken the BEST care of my "temple" over the years). When I drink, I truly feel no pain. When I stop for days on end, I feel every little, repetitive, annoying, SCARY pain! Is it really BAD that I prefer to "self-medicate"? (Well, duh, THAT way it is ... BUT ... humor me). I mean, REALLY? Ciao.

Post Four, 8-1-09

Let's talk tonight about a certain common saying/opinion I love to hate. First of all, if you don't get it yet, I'm not really what you'd call a "God-fearin' man," I have ex-wives but no children, and I ain't young. If you read my BS and WANT to do this, you can have your little funtime categorizing me in other conventional ways based upon what you believe you "hear" me say in these blogs; you know, like "Oh, he must be a Republican," or, "Oh, he MUST be a Liberal;" etc. I'm not all that into it -- I'm a "Popeyean:" I yam wat I yam!

Oh, yeah --- that "common saying/opinion" -- "You don't have (insert any noun here, like "kids," "a wife," "a house," "a 'real' job," "herpes;" whatever YOU have that makes you feel superior or more educated on the subject than I simply because I don't), so you can't understand/have no right to comment." Especially lately, this is one of my all-time faves. In fact, read yesterday's blog -- Mr. and Mrs. Wisconsin have kids. And didn't THEY just do a bang-up job of decision-making because of it? And, hey, let's just stick with the "kids" one anyway, for the sake of simplification. Nope, I have no children; so, no, for the most part, I haven't lived with the unknowns and worries and illnesses and dirty diapers and expectations and what have you. I have lived a somewhat varied life; I have loved a few people very deeply (losing MUCH sleep at any given time over their welfare, their whereabouts, their health, their happiness, their future, etc. and so on ... ooooh ... kinda like you parents, huh?) and, in turn, I have lost a few; I have a brain. Each and everyone of us who watches the news (or not), reads a newspaper (or not), and, most importantly, votes (or not) makes decisions and form opinions based upon our own thoughts, experiences, vanities and upbringing on any number of issues which we may or may have not actually lived through. That's how the world works, folks! I'm white, have never been homeless nor destitute nor on welfare, do not have any physical or (clinically discernible) mental handicap; does this mean I cannot have an opinion nor make decisions about nor vote for or against laws which will effect the lives of minorities or the poor or the infirm in greater part than they may effect my own life? If I'm on a jury for the trial of a Black man who is accused of murder, should I beg to be excused because I am not Black and cannot relate to what may have brought him to the point of murder living a life as a Black man? Well, of course not! That's NOT how it works, or at least not how it works once we stopped being quite as tribal as we were up until about the 17th century or so. So, here's MY thing:

I see you slapping your kid HARD upside the head in the grocery store because he won't stop crying, I DO have a right to tell you to STOP IT! If I KNOW you personally (especially, but not solely) and I see you doing something for or to your kid that I find ill-advised (like, let's say, letting your 12 y.o. son get his tongue pierced, or letting him hang out smoking at the Hess station with his other 12 y.o. buds at 2 AM), I have a right to ask you what the hell you are thinking about. If I keep hearing about teenage pregnancy and STDs running rampant in my neighborhood schools, I have the right to discuss, argue, vote, whatever about ways to educate, curb it and help it stop. And all this regardless of the fact that I didn't happen to pierce any ovum with my sperm in the last few decades.

One last semi-related thought: If you don't want people commenting on your opinions, if it just pisses you off no end that someone would have the AUDACITY to "encroach on a 'private exchange,'" DO NOT POST THEM ON A POPULAR PUBLIC FORUM!! Ciao.

Day .. nah ... new--- POST three, 7/31/09

Like ANYONE but me cares, took a day off from the PC yesterday. So, here it is Friday, looking to a night of no work because the economy sucks and so do my venues (read: supposed to play tonight, club went belly-up last week). But I have SO much to do today (one of the joys of being self-employed is being able to ALWAYS say that, since you really only do as much work as you want to on any given day. So, even though I may do NOTHING today, I can SAY, "OH, I have SO much to DO!" without being too full of shit.), and I'm sober, out of money leaving me unable to get UN-sober any time soon ... sooooo, I can't think of anything pithy to say right now (and, no, I do not have a lisp).
So as to appear to have done one thing today at least, I will say this: The first news story I came across when I fired up my PC was the Wisconsin trial of a man who watched his young daughter die slowly and painfully with a treatable illness (diabetes, basically) because he's a Christian and he felt praying was enough, and who is he to question God by taking his daughter to a doctor. Now, I have so much I COULD say about this, but I'll be brief --- I hope they find him guilty of reckless homicide (as he is charged, though I think that's being nice), I hope they lock him away in a prison that is famous for gang rapes and beatings for the rest of his life, then walk him down The Green Mile and fry, inject, shoot him to death the day before he thought he was going to be paroled. His wife, tried separately, was found guilty and could get up to 25 years --- that surprised, but pleased me; though I fear she'll get out MUCH too soon no matter what. Oh, why so harsh on God-fearing folk, you Commie Atheist you, you may say? Again, simply -- OK, we have this "freedom of religion" thing in the USofA --- great. That is the defense's argument for letting him walk. Well, hey we also have this "freedom of speech" thingy --- BUT, you CAN be ARRESTED for yelling "THEATER!!" in a crowded firehouse, "free speech" be damned if it deliberately causes harm to others. To me, same thing applies --- you kill your own daughter because you are such a blind idiot as to not at least CONSIDER the possibility that God made doctors TOO, dumbass, then off to prison you go, sit in a corner (IF you can sit!) and think about what you've done until no one remembers your name or whether or not YOU have gone to shake hands with your God.
Back to "work." Ciao!

Day Two, STILL July 29, 2009

Well, wasn't I just a CHARMER last night! That's my "Life With Jose" -- it's like a box of toys made in China --- you never know WHAT you'll get ... or catch ... or die from. So, if you're just getting into this blog, don't run away screaming -- I am usually only a righteous bastard when I'm SOBER! I DO drink, still, to lighten up and have fun-- missed a cue somewhere last night.

I have nothing really to add this afternoon; I just felt that if I get into a habit of writing something, anything when I have a few free moments, then I just MIGHT not let this "project" lapse like so many others in the past (of course, to my credit, I only let projects that directly affect ME lapse --- I don't take others down with my procrastination. There's a reason I added that which I may get into later). And what, exactly, IS the "project," the GOAL? I have NO clue! Folks keep telling me I should write, especially along the lines of the dozens of pundits out there who make a VERY good living basically just spewing out whatever crosses their minds at the time. I guess I COULD be good at that -- I enjoy a good spew like the next guy -- and, at least what I write would be different from all the others in one respect -- what I opine about would always be RIGHT!:)

Gotta do something constructive now. Ciao.

Day One, July 29, 2009, 2:30 AM

Holy SHIT!!! I THINK I've found the key to expression for MY uses --- write with a PSEUDONYM!! DUH! As long as I don't use my REAL name, chickenshit that I am, I won't feel compelled the next day to DELETE what I have written! KUDOS, BMC! You were RIGHT --- "FEAR of success"!!!

Now, tonight, I am VERY buzzed (which will probably be a relatively constant "theme" in these writings over time -- I am a "high-functioning Alcoholic," which just basically means, I do NOT wake up and pour myself a beer; but, by the same token, I disparage ANY night, be I working or not, where there is not available a plethora of Cuervo ... yet, 90% of the time, I still do NOT get to the point where I'm performing GREAT because Jose "tells" me so! Understand?), but I DO have enough wits about me to NOT try and write a "real" post NOW. Not only because I am wasted, but also because I am SO elated to have found this OUTLET for my words (I hope!)--- in other words, I don't want to "spoil" the FIRST post with "vowel movements";)! BUT, being as obstinant as I am, I will leave you with this ...

"DAMN, I am SO pissed off that I have been busting my broke ass for (at least, in regards to THIS function) NO recompense -- AND had to bear the CRITICISMS about it from those who put MUCH less effort into it all!"

More, I HOPE, soon! If I don't lose my log-in onfo ...LOL!:)