Our GREATEST Fears!

Hello, Non-Readers! Here I go with more words for the absent masses:)!

Another of the "wonderful" things about getting older --- year by year, decade by decade, one's values and "benchmarks" change (well, at least they SHOULD -- sorry for being pompous/bitchy, but if your views about life, the universe and everything do NOT change as you pass through your life, then you're just not paying attention!). Now there are a LOT of subjects along that line I COULD go on an on and on about, but for tonight I'm just focusing on FEAR.

When I was but a wee lad, WAY back in the mid-1960's, I was afraid of the dark; and, like most children, for no particular reason. Not to the extent of having to have a light on in my room all night, but if I had a bad dream and woke up to darkness, or if I simply naturally woke up before dawn, I was "petrified." I CLEARLY remember, some 40+ years ago and rather often for YEARS, waking up just a few hours before dawn for whatever reason, scared out of my wits but "not being a baby" (read: waited it out rather than running to my parent's room! Hell, one of the few times I did that, I caught my parents in flagrante delicto, bless their hearts:) -- but I learned not to do THAT again ---LOL!!:)!!)), knowing I had an available constant --- I lived in a suburb of Chicago at the time, evidently in a flightpath at the time, so I knew that as soon as I heard a jet pass overhead on its way to a landing at O'Hare Airport, everything would be just FINE! And sure enough, VERY soon after I heard that first Jetliner, I was fast asleep. Then ...

I've been afraid of heights, I've been afraid of whupins from my Dad (and, DAMMIT, spare me the psycho-babble bullshit -- my Dad whipped my ass for a NUMBER of reasons in my youth, and 99.9% of the time, I DEARLY deserved it --- he wasn't "CRUEL," he didn't "scar me for life"), I've been afraid of ridicule for being fat (file more so under "Insecurity" rather than "Fear"), I've been afraid of my basement, I've been afraid of rejection, I've been afraid of failing at whatever endeavor, I've been afraid of my Dad's reaction to a bad report card, etc., etc., and so on. All, really, LITTLE fears that at any given time in my development I've faced and overcome, overall, with little effort. I have NEVER truly feared death --- say it's because I found myself to be an Atheist at the age of 12 (maybe not that clearly DEFINED then, but known just the same) and, let's face it --- no belief in "Afterlife Retribution," no REAL fear of death! Again, all "MINOR" (read: non-DEBILITATING!!!) Fears. BUT, the things I've TRULY feared all my life have been "control issue" fears; e.g., things that could very well happen to me (and I DO mean that in the MOST intransitive sense!) and I could NOT get out of under my own steam (or, to be honest, at least as I THOUGHT).

Here we go with the "A" fear from LONG ago, that has developed into the FINER "A, V2.0" of the present day. The "A" fear was Incarceration For A Crime I Did Not Commit!!! Fine edge (worst-case scenario, of COURSE, since we're talking about FEARS here!), being arrested for a MURDER I did not commit (even FINER edge, a la "The Fugitive," being CONVICTED of said crime!!!). Now, that's bad enough -- BUT, even after convicted, there's a LONG drawn-out legal process in place that could VERY well keep me incarcerated but ALIVE for decades. (Side-bar: One of the few things I have RAILED against along these lines --- once upon a time, a few years back, living in a small, narrow-minded Northern Midwest Burg, some ASSHOLE got it in his head it would be a GREAT idea to build up a DNA database, so let's allow EVERY Cop --- and, don't get me wrong --- overall, I have a GREAT respect for those who choose to Protect and Serve --- to take a DNA sample from ANYONE, as long as they have been approached/pulled for a "legitimate reason." In other words, I have a burned out taillight, I get pulled, Officer Fife can run a swab in my mouth. Now, superficially, that sounds OK --- BUT, Cops are people, TOO!!! They make MISTAKES!!!! If I am to give a DNA sample, I want an EXPERT in the collection of DNA to TAKE that sample!!! I don't want some distracted Barney swabbing my mouth and labelling it WRONG, just to put MY name on his NEXT traffic violator who just MAY be the newest Hannibal Lecter --- get my drift?). Anyway, what has become, in my 50th year of life, "A(fear), V2.0"? Being COMMITTED to a psychiatric facility by force!!!

OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!! Now, granted, most of the books I've read of late, most of the movies I've seen of late, that DEAL with such a thing happened Pre-1950, which in terms of psychological "acumen" are PREHISTORIC to today's "enlightened" level of "understanding"; STILL!! Bad enough, sitting in an interrogation room with a couple Detectives grilling you about something you KNOW you didn't do --- in the END, all you have to say is, "LAWYER," and they're DONE! BUT, if you're COMMITTED!!!! There is really NOTHING you could say that could not be EASILY twisted into a case for insanity -- even the MOST sane thing you OFFER!!! Now THAT'S fucking SCARY!! The ULTIMATE loss of control of your destiny! Think of the most INTENSE discussion/argument you have EVER had with a friend or colleague, even KNOWING that their mind was made up --- in the end, y'all could just simply agree to disagree, go out and have a beer, and be friends tomorrow. Now take that SAME argument/discussion and replace your Friend with the Head of the Asylum you've been committed to ... and all HE has to say, when he gets perturbed by your opinions, is say, "You're obviously disturbed ... we're going to inject you with this ... take 'em back to their padded cell"!!!!!!!!

MY GREATEST FEAR!!! Ciao!